Way back home …

This is where my life begins, or at least in the eyes of others it is. I am 30 years old, I loved and lost... But this only I know… as people usually assumes I am successful women with lonely life... I have no friends no family… only thing I have is myself and just a little bit of hope… a hope to get back home. My only problem is I don’t know where it is or whether it existed. I just only know all I want is go home… for almost 2 decades I try to figure out what’s in my heart, how I feel, but have never been successful. My only magic is I can tell what’s in other person’s heart and mind by hearing and looking at their face... They say your eyes and your face is the door to your soul… trust me I believe that. And that’s where my life starts.
There have been many times I have think of my childhood and it always brings tears in my eyes. With experience of time I made a deal with my heart that it’s best not to open the books of my past. It’s a blessing that no one but I know my past. May be this is because I eloped and came and started living here where no one knew who I was except my name. My name is Shine Michaels and no one knows what I came here for... only that I came here a decade and little more years before as university student. I ended up being one of the best psychology student oxford ever saw. And that was when the morning star of my career shined. People tell me all the time I am one of the best psychologist, best counselor, and there is nothing I have no solution for. I always found a way out for them. But it’s amazing what people don’t know about that here I am 30 yrs old and still can’t solve riddle of my hearts and my thoughts, can’t put words in my feeling. And still haven’t found my alleyway out.
Today I won this amazing award”BEST PSYCHOLOGIST AWARD “of the year. And I went up the stage to say few words, and when I went up there the only thing I could manage was a thank you. By looking at the crowd and lights flashing in to my eyes... Slowly I saw my past memories flushing back in my mind. As it was happening at that same jiffy, my entire life stood in front of me… it felt like my entire life passed within those few seconds. Only thing I could do was stoop my head take a heavy breath and say thanking you and then find a way out of the crowd, where I can stand with my thoughts and feelings.

Daddy

It gives me pain,
When I recall the good old days,
The times when I use to sit on his lap,
And play in the rain,

I remember all those days,
When he use to feed me,
And took me on the shoulder,
Showed me the heaven in earth,

I still remember his nap,
From which he never got up,
And took all my happiness away,

I wish I was gone with him,
‘Coz he is the only one I had,
But now he is my only sweet memories


Copyright© 03rd April 1998 Mariyam Nina Ali

Remember I’m always there…

If you ever need someone to talk to,
Remember that I am always there for you
If you ever get into trouble,
Come to me and I’ll give you a warm cuddle,

If you are sad and wearing a frown on your face,
I will give you my smile instead in its place,
If you are hurt and your heart is torn apart,
I will give you my affection and mend
you’re broken your heart,

If you are exhausted and about to fall,
I’ll give you my hand and remind you
this is a friendship after all,

Whatever you need, whenever it may be,
I assure you that you can always depend upon me…


Copyright© 10th October 1998 Mariyam Nina Ali

Memories

Tears fall from my heart
Unknown to my memories part
Slow the days go
Yet tears flow

The lazy smile of yours
Open unknown doors
Makes me hate the feeling
Yet my hearts beating

Watching the scene…
Wondering what could have been
Always waiting for the sun to shine
Never realizing the time was mine

Declining the existence of Mike
Letting the mind strike
The feeling of loosing the dock
While my soul was sailing through shock


-Mariyam Nina Ali-

Heaven…

Dark clouds through out the sky
Wonder when the lights will come by
Marks the reality of rain
Pouring through my soul and heart

Yet heaven is in my eyes
Wishing when I will see it
Lies beyond my thoughts
Flies past my reach
Yet I fly with hope…

See the horizon so dark
meet the heavy cloud
Hear the whisper of thunder
And yet I wish for heaven in that sky…

-Mariyam Nina Ali-

A bit confused…

My vision blurs as I look at the horizon…
Come to think I understood life…
Never been this happy
Hooked the dreams to life
Been grateful, I came through my rough patch

Yet never understood what’s beyond my eyes
Let alone be wise to look at others….
Smile after smile makes me cry
And wonder why I pretend to be what I am not
Became what the world wanted you be
But loose your self in the process
The extend of my faith is on a test
This bit of my life confuses me
And makes me naïve

-Mariyam Nina Ali-

Letting it slip away…

Recently I have been reading a lot of articles of inhuman act against women all around the world. Than one of my old colleagues who is also a of great friends of mine reminded me that this is not only happening now, but it has been happening over centuries, in the name of culture, norm or religion. Than I thought for a long time, and reminded myself what will happen if it was me on that side of story. How would I have felt… what I realised is I cant even imagine enough how theses women or lets tell girls will feel or think… for example last November in Saudi Arabia courts had given 200 lashes punishment for a 19 year old girl for being raped at point of a knife.. Well God knows why they chastise the victim when they let go the sinner. Believe me this is happening in a Muslim country, where in Islam is tells to respect and care for women. I feel that the justice system is or let’s say some certain people, who have inferior thinking, is worse than the person who raped her because theses people are doing it in the name of religion.

Sometimes I think is it a crime being a woman? I know there are some people who make it look like it. Recently I read this article in BBC about ‘Iraqi women refugees forced into prostitution in Syria’. Over hundreds of Iraqi women in Syria are forced into prostitution to support themselves and their families. And most gloomy part is that the Syrian authorities and aid agencies states that they are unaware of the number of teenagers who are in the sex trade. I think it’s high time they make an effort to know it. It is a shame all this happening in front of our eyes and we just listen or look with our hands on sides without doing anything at all.

Well what we have to keep in our mind is that is theses are only few stories which come in front of world’s media. We can’t even imagine how many cases like this or worse than theses are been hidden in the name of shame, family pride, religion, or social standings… when we ourselves hides the most of it, I wonder how we can expect this to stop. When we have let it slip way so far away and as the Chinese proverb goes "If we don't change the direction we're going, we're likely to end up where we are headed."

- Mariyam Nina Ali-

Have you?

Have you ever looked beyond your eyes?
Have you ever wondered what's beyond those skies?
Have you ever felt the magic?
It goes hand in hand with the tragic,

Spread your arms and kiss the breeze,
Experience how it feels to freeze,
Sustain a level above common horde,
Where your passion never let you feel bored.

In life's each day seek your pleasure,
Then every part of it will treasure,
When you are in despair watch the moon,
See how it relaxes you so very soon,

In life people go separate ways,
But memories they can't erase,
Realize that life has a meaning deep,
This secret joy in your heart you must keep.

Copyright© 05 Oct 2004Mariyam Nina Ali

Unheard Dreams...Tears fall from my heart not from my eyes...

Someone please explain me the rule of life. I have always wondered why women complain saying that “I wish... If not ....” whenever they face abuse of any kind. Well I believe this only a means to resolve your problems within yourself and carry on with your life. In hope that just in case that their life may turn out to be what the really dream of. A dream they want more than anything in their life but have the fear to tell out or show in any manner. As a grown woman now I understand that what most female population feels in their life. As for my studies goes 90 out 100 women in our societies are abused in one way or another. Just look around you. Any women you see they would have faced this in some part of their life.

When anyone so specifically says I am very happy with my husband, or family, I always wonder is that true, or are they forcing on the word happy so much because they want to tell them self that they are happy although underneath they are not. I guess biggest problem is most abused women hide the fact they are being continuously abused. However I don’t think I can totally blame them for doing it. Because I believe loneliness is the biggest fear itself. We can say that it’s either our culture or different aspects or our life style which has led to this fear. Let’s say all women, have the fear of being alone or being clue less life. This is a fact whether they want to believe it or not.

And I believe only a woman can understand how lonely another woman feels. Though I am one of the few South Asian women who had the privileged to have tertiary education, I can understand that how it is to b brought up in a conservative family, where you are thought to faithful to your husbands and family no matter what. And once a girl is married than the girl has to abide to all rules the husband and the new family keeps. I still remember my grandmother use to tell me when I was little girl, “a girl, a women is never free, first they will be someone’s daughter, so they have to live as their parents approve, than they will be someone’s wife, than have to live to their husbands rules, and once they become old they have to live according to their children’s rule.” I guess there was no end to women’s slavery. I am not saying that you don’t have to listen to your parents or husbands. But my point is has anyone remember”hello... you are talking about a person... not a slave or a dog”. I wish someone could tell all those people who think like that we are humans too and we have our own right live and express our views. By the way this not only my society but this is the Unwritten norm of every Asian culture, whether we like it or not. When we are brought up in societies like this it’s hard for us women to identify the limit. We silently accept everything, although in our hearts we feel that this wrong and i wish I had some way...

Let me tell you a wildly known secret we women are good in hiding our sorrows though we cry a lot. Most women hide being abused, thinking it’s their only way in life or for the fear of letting anyone know that they are facing this dilemma. In deep down they wish they could go out it or find a way out. But they are too afraid to be blamed or being left alone. And this doesn’t happen only in poor and educated societies. This is always happening majorly in as we put “high” class society. These women see the way out in front of them... But yet they are afraid to let the hand out. You just keep holding to what you want to let go so badly. And you wish someone will come and pull your hand out of the clutter. We always think “he /they always Hits me, yells at me, or is always angry with us, we can’t never do anything right”. What wrongs is when this first time happen\s we expect them to understand and not do it again. If you are abused for first time, let someone know, because that once will turn to twice and it will go on... and once you live in this clutter for long you will not find a way out.. In some way without notice you get use to the abuse.

An unheard voice can make this go in so deep that you are unable to find a way out. Whenever you or anyone is abused don’t hide it, don’t keep the lid on, don’t keep the dream of fighting back from the abuse u face be unheard... because one cry for help is all you need. This world you don’t get anything unless you ask for it...

-Mariyam Nina Ali.

Through my soul…

Through my eyes, the window to my soul
I see you…
Every breath I take has your name in black and white
Your wise smile makes my heart skip a beat…

The fleet of thoughts which runs through my heart
I wish you can hear them…
Never fear because my love for you is here to stay…
All I ever dream is you …
And in your eyes I see my future... bright and clear

There are no words to express how much you mean to me…
If I try putting in words it would feel like cheating…
As no words can describe u…
You being in me make me feel alive

The fakeness of the world disappears as I see love in your eyes
Through my heart you step in to my soul...
Making sure I am happy…
Has been your biggest joy…
I know this because I feel it every time i see your eyes
I see my self through your eyes
Biggest foul was life to disappear on me
But your smiles brought the light back in my life…

-Mariyam Nina Ali